September 2020

— From the How Did We Get Here Series —

Now: Chester Portnoy is standing in what is left of his kitchen with an official Elon Musk Boring Company Flame Thrower in his hands. Chester is the only thing standing in the remains. He is relatively unharmed. A fly is sitting on the barrel of the flame thrower.

Before: It had been at least 60 seconds and Chester had enough. He was minding his on business trying to get through the sports section of the morning paper when a fly decided to make an appearance. It was most certainly unwelcome as far as Chester was concerned. After many futile attempts to kill the fly with an old ESPN magazine, he decided to take things to the next level. Being 80 years old had its privileges after all and Chester knew how to kill a fly.

Chester makes his way outside to a small detached garage and brings out his trusty flame thrower. Overkill, perhaps. The fact was that Chester had simply had enough. He didn’t want to be bothered by anyone let alone a fly. The fly is sitting on the rim of his coffee cup when he reaches the kitchen. That was the last straw. Chester turned on the flamethrower and…boom. In a split second, Chester’s kitchen was a memory. If Chester has known about the small gas leak, perhaps he would have chosen another weapon. In any event, the fly survived and the kitchen and Chester’s ego did not.

Fly = 1 Chester = 0.

This story was based on a real event that recently took place in France. You can read the story here.

— From the How Did We Get Here Series —

Now: Two brothers are sitting in an office across from each other with glitter paint all over them and the rest of the office. A few women are looking down at their clothes in horror. A couple of them have obviously peed themselves.

Before: Tom and Troy wanted to pull off the perfect prank on their troublesome next door office neighbors. The plan was to shoot a few gallons of glitter paint through their open skylight panel and down onto the unsuspecting people in the nearby courtyard. Unfortunately, Tom and Troy were never really good at science so they made the spray port a few millimeters too small. When the “elephant paste” type contraption was initiated by the mixing of the appropriate chemicals, instead of shooting the glitter paint out of the top nozzle – the glitter paint blew apart the plywood base and covered the entire office along with all of the spectators. A few weeks after this event, the entire company was evicted from the building for destruction of private property.

— From the How Did We Get Here Series —

Now: A crowd gathers around a dead man’s body in a NYC alley.

Before: Amy was at the end of her rope. Gary was lying to her about seeing another woman. She knew what the signs were. Change in routine, changes in appearance, etc. As Gary was on his way up to the 15th floor of their apartment building, Gary stepped on an inflated ball of some-kind. He lost his balance falling through the staircase window and 15 stories to his untimely death. The inflated toy went out the window with him but the forensics report will show no DNA connecting Gary to the toy. The only person who knew what actually happened is lying dead on the concrete below. What Amy will take away from this is that Gary must have committed suicide rather than admit his affair with a woman that Amy only suspected of existence but didn’t know for sure and based on her suspicions the police will rule it a suicide. Little Bobby McBride will be wondering where the hell his cheap soccer ball is and no one will be correct in their understanding of what has actually happened here.

From the How Did We Get Here Series

Now: A middle aged man is standing next to his brand new BBQ grill with a look of shock on his face. A face that has warm brown gravy all over it.

Before: The plans had been set the night before according to Audrey’s memory of events. Jim would just have to wait an extra night before firing up his new grill. They had plans to visit her parents for dinner this evening. Jim knew it. She told him. Several times. Audrey arrives home from work to the smell of backyard BBQ wafting through the neighborhood. Without missing a beat, Audrey goes into her kitchen and pulls out a jar of Heinz Brown Gravy and because she’s not a total barbarian heats it up in the microwave for a minute or so. After walking out to the backyard and finding Jim cooking on his new grill she smiles and then proceeds to dump the gravy all over his head. No words. Just gravy. Man.